#4 the first year on the widow’s journey

2 Jan 2019

Am I ready?

Well Rod, here we are 2 days into 2019…it seems like you’ve been gone for so long and at the same time you were just holding me yesterday…I miss you so much. In 2 weeks, I’ll go back to work..my sister asked me if I am ready? I don’t know…I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. Can I focus? Can I make decisions? Can I face the well meaning people with their looks and expressions of sympathy? Can I handle all of the stuff required to go to France? Many other questions that flood my mind..all things I would have discussed with you…but you are not here with me physically…only spiritually. So I will venture out and do it, restart working, because I think there things I can do to help the company. Things I think that uniquely I can do. I’m reminded about the photo of a little girl who says “but what if I fail?” And the caption says “ but what if you fly?” Am I ready to fly Rod? I will never know unless I try. As you always said “what’s the worst that could happen? What difference will it make 5 years from now?”..and many other thought provoking questions. It’s times like this when I miss you so much Rod. You will always be the love of my life..always.

Cleared to go back to work

12 Jan 2019

Well Rod, I’ve been officially cleared to go back to work on 14 Jan 2019. Ready or not here I go. As you used to say “wind her up and watch her go”. I’m excited, scared, a little intimidated, and many other emotions I can’t put into words right now. The next phase of my life is about to begin. A phase we both expected due to our age difference, but a phase I didn’t want to start when I’m 58..when I think I have many more years left on this earth..years I will spend without you beside me. I miss you Rodney. You will always be the love of my life. I count on you to continue to help me!

Focus on France

19 Jan 2019

Well Rod, week 1 at work is done, the announcement that I’m going to France has been made, and the big sort between longterm and shorterm storage has begun. I went through some of your things tonight..you’re going with me to France Rod in spirit and also with your things..your passport, drivers licence, your bracelets, necklaces and even some clothes. I shed a few tears tonight, ‘cause I really miss you Rodney. For all of this moving stuff, selling the car, tax preparation, etc, I just feel so incompetent. Things that you did as 2nd nature, I feel like I’m flitting around like a fly..light one place then the next, getting started On a thousand things, not getting anything completed. The grief journey is not over. One day at a time. You’re the love of my life, now and always. I need your help Rod.

29 Jan 2019

4 Months since go to heaven day

4 months ago today you drew your last breath here on earth.

4 months feels like a lifetime…

4 months feels like yesterday…

4 months ago my life changed forever

4 months ago I cried, learned to pray, learned to read the Bible like never before, learned to listen, learned to breath deep, learned to stop.

4 months ago, I lost my husband, friend, confidante, lover, spiritual leader, tuba-tooter, auctioneer, life of the party, entertainer, sober alcoholic, soulmate…the man that I will always love, joined at the heart, love of my life.

I listened to our hymns tonight Rod, gave me peace, but gave me tears too. I miss you Rodney, i miss you so much.

Thank you Father for all the time I had with my Rodney..I have been with him much longer than I have been without him. Thank you Father for my precious memories and having been loved by him and knowing real love. The love of a Prince for his Princess. A true love story. I ask that you bless him in his new mission Father. Give him everything I ever wanted in life.