#3 the first year on the widow’s journey

In Flanders Field

7 Dec 2018

On this day in 1941, the US territory of Hawaii was bombed by the Japanese, causing the US to be pulled into WWII. Today, some 67 years later, Through tearful eyes I saw the markers of some WWII veterans…but that is not who I went to see. Today, Rodney, I went to see your marker, SFC Rodney Miller’s marker. My beloved husband’s marker.

“In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
  That mark our place; and in the sky
  The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
  Loved and were loved, and now we lie
      In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
  The torch; be yours to hold it high.
  If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
      In Flanders fields.“

John McCrae

I know you are not dead my dearest Rodney. You are not that body, your spirit moves about and you are doing your new mission. I know that Rodney, but I sure miss you here with me. The cold marble marker is no substitute for your warm tender embrace. Love of my life. You are just behind my eyes.

Mixed emotions with gratitude

16 Dec 2018

Well Rod, I’m 2 days away from going in the “Christmas avoidance cruise” with my sister. On one hand, I’m excited..on one hand I’m dreading it. Mixed emotions. Yesterday morning it seemed to come crashing in on me…a weepy morning for me. Every song I heard seemed to remind me of you or something we did together, every piece of clothing I packed made me remember our vacations together, the jewelry I selected to take with me was all given to me from you..at every step it seemed to just make me sit down and cry. Our friend Bill called at just the right time and told me “get off my butt and pack, get it done and get ready for the appreciation dinner”. It really was just what I needed. I did just that and was able to text him back that the “first draft of packing is done”” ready or not, here I come. I got dressed up for my “Carolina support group” appreciation dinner and sent him a picture. This dinner was for some of the people who have really helped me before, during and after your death. Not everyone could come, but we did have 15 people including me. The food was excellent and most of all, the conversation and new connections formed among my friends were made. I tried to remember how you would have done a party like this..one thing I forgot to do was to tip the waitress up front…but the service was still great and I gave her an extra tip at the end. Another thing I forgot was to get a photo..oh well, it’s just th way it was. I think you would have approved and that’s important to me! Very important. Everyone told me how nice it was at the end, so I count it as a success! I have learned so much from you Rodney ..I’m also sure I haven’t learned enough…In was telling the group last night that I’m going to be moving to France ..so many firsts to come..I’ve never been an expat alone, never found or selected the apartment alone, never bought a car alone, never organized trips alone..and those are just the big things..there are countless “small things” that I’ll have to do alone. I count on you and God to help me Rodney, sending me intuitive thoughts.

Father God,

I thank you for pairing me up with Rodney. He taught me so much, he loved me so much and he prepared the way for my future alone so well. Thank you Father for the company I work for and for the support they have given me all along the way. Thank you Father for my family and friends who have helped me all along the way and who continue to help me one day at a time. Thank you Father for the intuitive thought to have these small appreciation meals/meetings so that I can say thank you and that maybe reinforces some good practices for them..remind us all how important it is to reach out. Father I ask that you help me to reach out when I have something that can help others and not be selfish with my time or money. I ask that you help me recognize opportunities to give. Help me to remember that in order to keep it I must give it away. Father I ask that You bless my Rodney and bless our family and friends. Help me to remain grateful for all You have done for us and me. I ask that You bless my sister and she packs this trip..maybe she has the same feelings of anticipation and dread..help us get along and enjoy our time together. Help me remember she too had stage 4 cancer and this may be our last time together and I need to make the most of this. I ask that You grant me the strength to do the tasks ahead after the cruise…with a clear mind and organization skills that can help me start the next phase of my life. Help me to keep a grateful heart and to always give back.



Like a baby bird learning to fly

21 Dec 2018

Well Rod, I’ve survived the first 3 days in the cruise without you by my side physically. I’ve been keeping myself busy, remaining to pray daily and keep you just behind my eyes. It’s not so easy you know. You are the love of my life and it is taking some adjustment time..and I’m sure it’s not over. My sister is a good travel companion and I think she is also enjoying a break from her daily responsibilities. I miss you terribly Rodney and sometimes scoff at those who say “you are a strong woman”…the wind beneath my wings has gone dormant..how and I supposed to fly now? I’m learning Rod, like a baby bird..I’m striving each day, like the seagulls beside the boat, to find that new thermal current that can help me fly. I know it’s not new..it’s been there all along…each day and the thermals I find are new to me. Father God, I thank you for the time with my Rodney and giving me the strength to carry on one day at a time. Thank you for safe travels and also meaningful conversations and companionship with my sister Patricia during this cruise. Thank you for a loving family and friend network to help me. Thank you for sending Your Holy Spirit to me to comfort me. Thank You for your son Jesus who was born and who’s birth we celebrate now. Thank you for His ultimate sacrifice Jesus suffered for us. A sacrifice I can never repay. I thank you for the Grace to live and accept this And strive to be worthy. Father I ask that You continue to bless my Rodney in the mission You conferred upon on him. I ask that You bless the leaders of the USA and all of the countries with whom we have diplomatic relations and help us to get along. I ask that You send your Spirit to them and give them intuitive thought to do Your Will. I ask that You continue to give me intuitive thought as I live each day, and make decisions that will impact my life as I prepare for the next phase of my life without the physical presence of my Rodney. Amen, Sarah

24 Dec 2018

The path is not so clear

Good morning Rodney and Merry Christmas in Heaven. Seems so strange to write that. I can imagine you are going about doing good…just like you were told you would. I miss you Rodney. So far so good on the cruise…I’m doing what you always told me..take care of myself, have fun, go on excursions..and I think my sister is too. You’ll Always be the love of my life Rodney, always.

The path in front of me is not so clear sometimes Rod. It’s like the road that has a canopy of vines and trees ..I can only see so far ahead..it’s clear for the short term and I can walk. It’s not so clear for the long term. I keep telling myself, I can only live today, not in the future, so I try not to worry about the future. I’m scared sometimes Rod to face it alone. I know you are just behind my eyes, I know God is with me..but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m a widow, facing new challenges alone.

Father God,

I thank you for safe travels, good health, good family, good job, enough money, good relationships with family…so many things. Thank You father for the gift of Your son Jesus. I ask that you continue to give me intuitive thought for today and in the future. Help me to live today and trust You for tomorrow.



29 Dec 2019

3 months since go to heaven day

Well Rod, 3 months and 1 day ago, you left your body and me here on earth. I sure do miss you. It’s the time of year when we always did our goals. Today, did it, I wrote down my goals for 2019 and shared them with my sister. Of course this whole process is another first..a first time to write down my goals as a widow. You and I used to write down our goals, and shared them together. This was always One of the key success factors of Team Miller, openness and a shared direction. We shared our dreams, our successes, our areas where we wanted to do better, and came up short…we shared our life. Now, Today, For the first time, I wrote them down…health, spiritual, family, financial, charity, travel, personal development…same categories…it’s just different looking at the list as a widow, not as part of a team…team Miller. Now, I’m doing them solo here on earth, depending on you Rod to help me from heaven in addition to God. You know Rod you’re still the love of my life… nothing will change that…nothing. Living alone is new territory for me and requires a whole new skill set and improved listening. One day at a time.

There is a long list of « I miss »…but in the end, it I have no choice…i have to accept that you’re gone from me physically and carry on, or go crazy. I have to accept that the “You, Me and God” had changed…now, I’m the only one of the threesome here on earth. I miss my life mate so much. I am managing Rod, you know that, and I know you and God are helping me..through whatever means you can and I know God will take care of me. I pray one day to feel I’m thriving and not only surviving..some days I feel that’s a long way off. My mind knows that it takes time, Trust in God, …it’s my heart that forgets and selfishly wants you near to make it all better. I miss you love of my life. I Just miss you.