The one year aftermath and getting caught up to start 2020

29 Dec 2019

Today I write a sort of ‘catch up’ entry to close out 2019. As usual I take my personal journal entries as inspiration to put some thoughts on paper and to keep my mind off of my emergency trip back to the US to see my sister Patricia, or more likely attend her funeral. Grief and more grief. Sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough. Father God I ask for Your Spirit to guide me today and in the coming days.

16 Nov 2019

And the greatest of these is love

Today when I read our devotional Rod, it referenced 1st Corinthiens 13..all about love and of course I read it with memories and gratitude and tears welling up as I went to my knees in prayer. These thoughts came to mind…

Rodney was

a son of Alta and Eddie Miller, à brother to John, Angela and Mark, a husband to Jane and Sarah, a father to Chris and Matthew, a recovering alcoholic, a sponsor to hundreds, a professional musician, a salesman, an auctioneer, a boy-scout, a spiritually connected man, a reader of books, a reader of people, a soldier, a Christian man, an adventurer, a cook, an entertainer, a friend to thousands, a writer, a handyman, a free-mason, a Survivor, a gentleman , a radio listener, a giver…

Rodney was not

A perfect man, a student of languages, an athlete, a chef, horse rider, a movie or TV watcher, a sports fan, a taker…

These descriptions of my Rodney..all true, all inadequate to express my love. You were and still are the love of my life Rod. Always. You will always be an « is » in my life, not a « was ».

23 Nov 2019

Gratitude is an action word

Oh Rod, I’m writing you just after reading our daily reading. Today it was based on thankfulness. As you know it’s almost Thanksgiving and a time designated for gratitude. Today, I got reinforced to not wait For a day in the calendar! Today needs to have some actions that will lead me to be grateful! The Bible verse reference in the meditation text was The 8th chapter of Romans. When I opened the Bible, I saw a mark you had scribed in pencil around the last 2 verses of Romans 7 just above the referenced text. I tried to read the reference, but my mind and eyes kept going back to your mark around these words.

24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

25 I thank God — through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.

I read these words again and again and see your bracket drawn in the margin. What were your thoughts when you drew that bracket? Were you thinking about when you were actively drinking and feeling wretched? Were you in pain from the cancer and contemplating death? Were you feeling inadequate? Were you affirming your purpose to help others? For in these phrases are both expressions of disparation and hope.

Rod, You always used to say “gratitude is an action word”. Grammatically speaking of course it’s a noun! (You know I had to mention that!) To achieve this state of mind of gratitude, it’s absolutely true that I have to do something, take action! I have to take actions, not someone! What actions have I done today that lead me to be grateful? I come up short in this scale most days, both personally and professionally. Such a powerful reminder!

Thank you Rod for drawing my attention to these verses. My guess is you didn’t know how impactful a little pencil mark in the margin would be. Or maybe you did… another mystery that will have to wait for resolution. Thank you Rod for forming the habit of daily aloud reading the meditation. Thank you God for increasing my sense of curiosity to go read the verses in context and go deeper in understanding. Thank you God this peace of mind and feeling of gratitude.

I love you Rod. You are still an “is” in my life, not a “was”. Your mark in the margin of the Bible reaffirmed it again! You will always be the love of my life and for that I’m grateful. So very grateful.

18 Dec 2019

The last words you said to me

Yesterday I was on “vacation”, at the apartment getting ready for my trip and I really needed to be at home. I didn’t sleep well and ended up sleeping late and was doing my little cleaning routine listening to shuffle songs in the iTunes library, and up popped a Sarah Brightman song “the last words you said to me” and I just lost it..I sobbed while missing you, cried for the sickness of my sister Patricia and fear of losing her, you name it, I was crying about it. I got down in my knees and prayed and cried and asked God to give me strength. Eventually the tears subsided, eventually I was able to get my suitcase packed and last emails treated, eventually I was able to function. Once again, I saw that grief is a cruel companion, cunning, baffling and powerful. Hit you when you’re down type of “friend”. I miss you so much Rodney. Nothing can replace that feeling when I would share good news, or need a shoulder to cry on, or ask your opinion, or just need to get a good hug. I have no desire for another man for companionship..the thought just turns my stomach. I will always love you Rodney, always. I just can’t get over the love of my life, and dont want to. You are still an “is” to me Rodney, not a “was”. My endless love.

Father God,

You know my heart and how heavy it is, missing my Rodney, praying for healing for my sister. I thank You for your comforter yesterday and for my time with Rodney and Patricia and all of my family. I ask that You continue to give me intuitive thought and strength to live as You would have me live and be of maximum service to You and to my fellows.

22 Dec 2019

Memories of a midnight waltz in Vienna

Oh Rodney, I missed you so much today. This morning, we signed up for an optional tour into Vienna where we learned to dance the waltz. We (Joellen and I) were all alone on the tour and it was just wonderful. The danse studio was opened just for us and our teachers taught us the basic steps of the waltz. Slowly we learned and eventually we got it. I think you would have loved it..I remembered our dinner, concert and midnight waltzing at midnight in New Year’s Eve in Vienna, even when we didn’t know how. Such a sweet memory.

Now I know how to waltz Rod and you would have loved it. I would have loved being twirled by you…properly! I can just see you in your tuxedo and white gloves and me in a long gown…you would have taken the lead and Taken your queues from the music and I would have followed, and we would have turned around the room. I was dancing with you this morning Rod. You were not physically there, but you were there in my mind, right behind my eyes. I love you Rodney, I will always love you.

29 Dec 2019

So that gets me caught up as I travel to the US to end 2019. One day at a time life goes on…until it doesn’t. I ask God to bless you Rodney and to bless Patricia and our family here on earth today and every day. Asking for knowledge of His will and the Power to carry it out.