#2 The first year on the widow’s journey

Grief is a cruel companion

5 Nov 2018

Well Rod, I finished going through the last of our air shipment today. I came across a lot of your things..your diaries, your books, your jewelry, and when I did, I was just sick to my stomach, I cried, I talked to you, but of course no answer. I have things somewhat sorted..things to donate, things to offer to the boys, things to set aside for another day, month, year..who knows. It seems like you’ve been with me all day, but I still don’t have you here. My heart aches and I really know how “heartbroken” feels physically, mentally, emotionally…it hurts, and only time can heal this. There is no magic essential oil, pill, book, exercise, etc that will heal this aweful feeling…only time.

13 Nov 2018

Today I went to a grief seminar. I guess I wasn’t ready for how close to the surface the tears and gut wrenching feelings in my stomach still are. All day, stomach ache, all day in the verge of crying, all day coming to realize that I’m still sick and feeling the symptoms of grief head on.

I heard someone say, the world lives in color and I’m feeling like my world is black and white. It was so appropriate for me. I also saw some drawings of the faces of grief..so so touching. The mask is so me…smiling on the outside, crying on the inside.

2 months since Go to heaven day

29 Nov 2019

Well Rod, it’s the 2 month anniversary of your “go to heaven day”. That’s what I’m calling the anniversary of your death…I want to stay on the positive side rather than the negative.

I’m getting better Rodney. I can feel it. Ever since “our reunion dream”, I’ve been better. It was and is so comforting to know you are with me.

I got the word from Camp Nelson that your marker is now erected on your grave site. I will drive to KY to see the marker.

Father God,

I thank you for the not so good days so that i can appreciate the good days and remember the reunion dream. Thank you for a positive view of the anniversary of Rod’s last breath on this earth being now named “Rod’s go to heaven day”. Thank you for the music of Messiah and making this available for me to sing and make a joyful noise. Thank you for the leave of absence from work. I ask for your continued guidance and intuitive thought for the next right thing to do. I ask that you continue to bless my Rodney and send me confirmations for his continued presence in my life.