2 years and 60

29 Sep 2020

A day which lives in infamy for me. On this day, at 4:00am, EST, in 2018 you, Rodney drew your last breath here on earth. Your spirit left your cancer ridden body to go home to our Heavenly Father. Before, during and after that day, I have cried many tears, prayed many prayers. endured many gut wrenching moments, hugged myself to sleep, leaned on friends and family and countless other experiences on this path of widowhood. I know you are right behind my eyes Rod, always in my heart, and forever in my memories. But still..there is that hole in my gut today, that unfulfilled longing that just won’t go away. I just miss you. Still. I will always love you Rod. Always. You are still an “is” to me not a “was”. I just wish We could hold each other here on this earth. Hélas…that is not to be.

The weight of September is heavy. September morn..always used to bring a smile and a warm feeling..now, All month long, the days lead to the 29th, the lowest point of my life. Yes, there are ups and downs..each day brings its gifts and burdens, joys and sorrows. I remember the meditations we read together and the words of Jesus Christ in the gospel of Matthew 6:34: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it’s own things. sufficient for the day is its own troubles.”

I don’t think I worry as much as dread..I have a heaviness on my heart that is difficult to shake all month long. Last year, it was as if a burden was deposited on 1 September lifted when 1 October arrived. Same this year for the deposit, I hope for the same for the lifting.

Emotionally , I’m not strong right now. contrary to the face on the outside that forces a smile, the face in the inside is tear-stained and churning. Once again the mask tells the tale.

Fake it till you make it.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I don’t feel much like celebrating. Turning the big 60, the day which triggers the start of my little military retirement (the one you said we’d be lucky if it paid the electricity bill!) You were right by the way! My first retirement stream of income (more like a trickle than a stream, but it’s all good!) It’s a milestone for me, and I remember when that day arrived for you. We both had a good laugh and sense of gratitude that we both stuck with it to be able to retire! You told me my retirement deposit would be here before we knew it..now here Rod, now here.

I have been absent on Facebook lately. After the big hubbub from the article in the l’Usine Nouvelle magazine, I’ve tried to lay low and recuperate. That process and event took a lot of energy. I removed my birthday so that it does not trigger greetings …all well meaning I’m sure, I just couldn’t deal with it. Thank God for the ability to work at home today. It allows me to concentrate on some topics for work and also take a mental health break and commune with you Rod and especially God.

Our mutual friend and Chinese teacher Crystal sent me a short video clip today of some packing up from China fun..made me laugh and cry… you are still my everything. Our Chinese friends remain very thoughtful, still. Remembering you always. Thankfully, politics never get in the way of true friendship. I also got a note from Miles and he and Bee are going to have a baby! So happy for them. Daisy and Momma are well and so is Tom. Life goes on.

“Wha de ya give for it?” Leaving China, deciding what goes to longterm storage, what goes with us to Greenville, SC.

Oh Rod, there is so much deviseness and sickness in our world today…even though I miss you so much, you are in a much better place and I’m glad you don’t have to live through this. Some have compared it to the last days as described in the book of Revelations. In the US, in addition to the Covid19 virus and worldwide pandemic which has brought about all kinds of restrictions of movement and dress, we have protesting in the streets, contentious elections coming up, a Supreme Court justice to replace. We can’t even seem to be able to do the census without a fight! I take comfort in the words of Moses in the book of Numbers (the Bible’s version of the census! ) 6:24–26: The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Rodney A. Miller, Husband, Father, Sponsor, Friend. You remain just behind our eyes. Always.

Father God,

I thank you for this day. When I awoke This morning, the scripture came to mind and I spoke aloud: “This is the day the Lord has made, We will Rejoice and be Glad in it” Psalm 118:24. I knew full well what date it was and I immediately became grateful for this message. Striving not to feel sorry for myself, get off the pity pot before I get “ring around the asshole”! (Another Rodney quote!). I am still amazed that I am able to commune with the creator of the universe from my mind that connects with Jesus Christ. I remain grateful for Your Holy Spirit entwined with my spirit and constant comforter and companion. I remain grateful that You father God are the anchor and keeper of my Soul. I look forward to a reunion with my dear Rodney and joining the heavenly hosts in praising Your holy name.