#12 on the first year of the widow’s journey

1 Sep 2019

September morn

Oh Rod, you know I had gotten up at about 4:30 (jet lag and all!) and came back to lay down and was listening to an audio book “to kill a Mockingbird”. I was dozing, lying in bed. I felt You laying beside me, your body was there, breathing, moving, warm to the touch, I was hearing the book, feeling your arm and chest, I was so aware that I was doubting you had died, I knew you had, yet you were beside me. I raised up and was fully awake, and saw you were not there. But yet, just seconds before you were there. I felt you beside me Rod, your body was warm, you were resting peacefully right beside me. My arm was around you and it was so natural. I could feel you breath and move. It was so real until I awoke to find an empty space. I felt you Rod. I know you were here. September morning..you were/are with me. Gift from heaven.

So many emotions..trying to make our moments together last..but I don’t control them…September morn. “September morning still can make me feel that way” My first September morn without you here with me..yet a dream so real to make me feel you beside me. So so real.

29 Sep 2019

A year since go to heaven day

Such a difficult day. Difficult to write. Tears flow, stomach aches. I was in the US on business, now here for the weekend to spend some time with you. I went to a meeting, surrounded by our friends. I needed to be around people that would understand and would help me…and they did. I am so grateful Rod, so very grateful for all you did while here on this earth. I just miss you and long to be able to share my days with you. I know God needed you for your new mission…that’s what I believe and is the only way I can answer the ‘why’…it was your time. I ask God to bless you Rodney and give you everything I ever wanted for myself. I love you Rodney, I will always love you.

365 days ago today, you drew your last breath here on this earth Rod. So many changes for me and yet for us, we are frozen in time. You will always be an “is” for me, and not a “was”. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, talk to you, long to hold you, long to put my head on your shoulder and feel your tender embrace. I love you Rodney, I will always love you.
I drove to Lexington yesterday and on the way I heard a song ..and it just made me start crying..had to pull over and cry. Grief is still so real .