#6 on the first year of the widow’s journey

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

10 March 2019

Time just keep marching on Rod. So much has been going on with my new job and the move to France. This weekend it all came crashing in..back into grief and grief symptoms big time. I finally determined the best time to go to KY to see everyone is now..leaving on Tuesday the 12th of March, doing a whirlwind trip to see as many family as possible, then coming back here to Greenville to pack up for a month long business trip to France and Japan and arriving back in Greenville to pack up and move to France around the 1st of May. It has been stressful arranging it and even more stressful starting to do it. The trip to KY, even though short, had been particularly stressful and I think my brain connects the dots and knows that the destinations include Camp Nelson and it throws me into major grief symptoms of lack of focus and scatter-brained. It is not like me at all, and I don’t like it. At the same time that I should be packing, I seek comfort in old TV reruns with happy endings, eating comfort foods and vegging out. I liken my behavior to a fly buzzing around, liting everywhere, not staying long..a friend described it as a feather in the wind…however it is described, it’s definitely a feeling of being out of control. I pray, I seek to recognize His guidance and His intuitive thought..through the tears sometimes I see, sometimes I don’t. As I watch the photos stream by in the television screen, I remember when we were having them taken about this time a year ago. We both knew you weren’t well, but I sure didn’t know that within 6 months of taking those beautiful photos you would be gone. I really miss you Rodney. Love of my life. Yesterday, I opened your jewelry box I go you in Hawaii. I touched your things..my stomach knotted up and I had to close the box. I don’t want the movers to move your things..I want them just as you left them..I hope I can make them understand this.

Alfred Lord Tennyson said it best concerning Love:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;I feel it when I sorrow most;

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I ask God to bless you Rodney. We indeed did experienced true love, that rare gift from God. We, we had it and no one can ever take that from me. I will be forever grateful for our love. I would do it all again today, and in fact I make that decision daily to continue loving you even though your body is no longer here, you remain just behind me eyes.

29 March 2019

6 Months since go to heaven day

No matter how time is expressed…1/2 year or 6 months or 182 days or any other measurement..it still hurts and tears come rolling and my stomach knots up when I think of what these milestones of time represent…a measurement of time since you took your last breath on this earth and your spirit went to heaven, since your go to heaven day. As I write this, I’m in Paris, the city of love, the city of lights, the city of work for me today! I’m alone physically and with you Rod spiritually. Thank God. I’m ok today..not great, not a sobbing mess, just ok, and given it’s been 6 months, and with all that has taken place I’m ok with being ok. I know you are ok too Rod. I’ll be ok here in France Rod. I miss you and of course I wish you were here. There are so many things I have the reflex to tell you…but there’s no one here on earth to listen…so I make myself content to tell you spiritually…ok, but not the same. You will always be the love of my life. Always. I love you Rod, I will always love you.